A Full Set of Golf Clubs

Maybe we do get a mulligan


First of all, let me dispel some thoughts before digging much further into the topic at hand. I don't score that high on my "test" below, but I'm not bitter. This set of golf clubs I'm about to describe is how American society regards and rewards these attributes -- not me. Hopefully, to the extent that you're an individual you can play golf with whatever clubs you were given and come close to par. If you're as much an individual as me, you can design your own course and system of scoring. If you get a poor score based on some criteria, you can speak to “the sky”. I created this scale based on observation, and would not ace it by any means. God created mankind and mankind is the holder of the scorecards.

We are all battered by outrageous fortune -- life is a poker game. But in my forty-something years I've noticed consistently that some people skate by pretty easily, contributing in an average way. Others, in their striving to be earnest, individualistic, expressive or accomplished may get nailed to a cross. No good deed goes unpunished after all. Why this variance -- why can't we all get along, be happy, appreciate each other and share in life's good fortune? What disposes some people to God's good grace and sends others among us to the dark dungeon? Never mind Hell -- we dungeon habituees go there well before dying. Here my friend, is a full set of golf clubs. Add up your score and BE HONEST. Your golf club score foretells how many slings and arrows are headed your way -- and for no reason other than you being you.

1) PHYSICALLY HEALTHY - no major heath problems -- 20 points
2) MENTALLY HEALTHY - no illnesses or active subtance addictions -- 20 points
3) ANGLO-SAXON - 20 points
4) HETEROSEXUAL - attracted only to the opposite sex -- 20 points
5) PRACTICE A MAINSTREAM RELIGION -- 10 points
6) SMART -- but only B+ smart -- don't push the envelope or tackle taboos -- 5 points
7) GOOD-LOOKING -- 5 points

Notice that some things are different from what you'd suppose. You can be a happy dumb, cluck without scoring anything on 6 or 7. Still get a 90 percentile. You can overdo number 6 -- don't exceed the speed limit. Be smart but not a smart Alec. All of these are subjective -- does mental illness include a minor neurosis? You decide for yourself -- there's 20 points at stake. Criterion 3 is ethno-centric and would be different in other places. I've designed the test based on observation (not to mention my own golf game) but am not personally driven by the criteria or my final score.

If you score low, does it mean that God hates you? He doesn't want you to play the game? Maybe God or the Gods like an underdog. There are noteworthy people who have overcome these odds. All the more impressive, because they were sold short by other people. Sometimes the renegade, the founder of an offshoot religion for example, becomes the mainstream. Who is to say? I think there is some virtue in suffering; can't help thinking that God dwells where there is fomentation, change and controversy. You with the beret, the attitude, the weird religion -- that's you! Time to play golf.