The New Apprentice

Jeff, You're not a fit


I usually hate reality TV, but the debut of Martha Stewart's "Apprentice" drew me in, like a moth to a flame. In the introduction, they give a brief history of Martha's career, including prison time. Did you know that Martha is America's first self-made, female billionaire? Very impressive. I've always admired Martha's pluckiness, and the fact that she never claimed any kind of victim status based on sexism. She simply pushed ahead, stepping over bodies as appropriate. Her empire started as a home kitchen catering business. She asked her husband at the time, a publishing executive, to advance her book "Entertaining". It landed in bookstores right as Reagan-era yuppiedom was taking off, and the book was a hit. The rest is history.

Martha's "Apprentice" is patterned very closely after the Donald's. On yesterday's debut, Team Matchstick took on Team Premius in a contest to see who could author a children's book. Teams had to do the story line, artwork and then read the story to a panel of first grade children. Team Matchstick was domineered by a team lead; think his name was Jeff, but must say I was sorting laundry so may have that detail wrong. Jeff was a bespectacled, bald art geek with strong opinions and little tact. He forced his dark, bastardization of "Hansel and Gretel" on the group. He wouldn't even let Donna, whose stomach was growling, get a banana before a test read. Team Premius pulled together much better, and did a humorous retake of "Jack and the Beanstalk". The children were OK with Gretel, but clearly loved Jack. The publishers gave the nod to Team Premius.

When called to the boardroom, Team Matchstick devolved into nasty sniping, always fun to watch. Jeff, Donna and some Ad exec whose name escapes me were called back to see "who must leave". Martha is way too nice to say, "Ya fired!". Instead, she says either, "You must go" or, "You're not a fit". Somehow, I think I'd rather hear the Donald. Jeff ended up getting his walking papers, and rightly so. A hastily made up team of eight, looking for TV exposure and face time, does not need a tyrannical ass for a team lead. They need someone more photogenic, with a better disposition. I will say, Jeff gets to dish the dirt on all the morning talk shows the next day, so speak kindly of the dead.

In sum, I cannot believe that I sank to the level of watching this show. In my defense, the TV was already tuned to NBC and I was doing household chores. Normally, the TV would serve as background noise. Only when they showed Martha driving to work in her new Suburban was I dumbstruck. She has more money than Croesus, and she still drives a Chevrolet SUV? How genuine, while simultaneously frightening. I love Martha Stewart. Just don't ask me to be an apprentice on her show.