Interviews from Hell

We have several other applicants

Life offers many forms of "Hell Lite". We have illness, injuries and faded love. We have taxes, speeding citations and the occasional dental crown. Speaking only for me, nothing strikes quite as much terror as the job interview. My brother, who is a Human Resources manager, knows all about it. "It's basically an adversarial situation" he says. Do tell -- he's on the other side of the desk. Those of us who are interviewees in front of the desk will squirm from all that adversity.

Speaking again just for myself, there is what my nervousness will do to my interviews. At UT Austin, in the placement center, I scheduled several interviews in one day. Taking a heavy course load, studying for finals and rushing to interviews is not a good mix. Talking to a Shell representative, I became confused -- midway through the interview I started referring to the company as "Chevron". I knew it was an oil company that started with the "sh" diphthong. Had a 50% chance of getting it right. Pity. Here in Dallas I interviewed a (now-defunct) bank called MBank. During the interview, my mouth went dry. I started to sound like Donald Duck. The woman interviewing me became concerned for my health. A coworker was dispatched to get me a glass of water, and the hiring manager was seconds away from calling 911. I regained my composure somewhat, but not my credibility for that interview. They didn't need any raspy-voiced Disney characters it seems. Not every faux pas will cancel you from the running. One interview went well, so well that I was laughing heartily at their jokes. I leaned back and my head crashed into a shelf of plastic figures that fell to the floor. Ooops. We laughed some more, picking up the mess -- nothing broken. They even hired me for the job! There is hope sometimes.

When my nervousness doesn't sink my ship, the interviewers can themselves turn Satanic. They now like to ask "situational" and "psychological" questions that have nothing to do with your line of work. "Describe a conflict you had with a coworker, and how you resolved it". In retrospect, this is a softball question, and it should be easy to answer. Tell them how Ghandi-esque and diplomatic you are. I wasn't that smart; I told the smug woman at Frito that I "stick to my guns". Wrong answer. She seemed to not like me anyway and was pleased that I answered it wrong. Another time I was asked, "If you see a hole, how do you fill it?" A hole in what? Your head? If you wanted to give humorous but interview-killing answers, you could have so much fun with some of these.

Last of all, there are the unsubtle communications that the interviewer gives you. In an interview with the IEF group at TI, a manager forgot he'd scheduled an 11AM interview with me. He kept looking at his watch and rushing through the questions. That same day, I interviewed another man in the IEF development group. I did have some of the experience they'd been looking for, and my resume was presumably screened beforehand. But he looked with disgust and disdain at my resume, as if it were used toilet paper. "I see absolutely nothing on this resume to recommend you for this job." I was kind of in shock and didn't even know how to come back. Think it ended with me mumbling an apology for taking up his time. In retrospect, that interview should've ended with a bang, not a whimper. "Why the Hell didn't you screen the resume before bringing me in? Try these birds out for size!" Zales Corporation also competed for the kindness Olympics. I was given a technical interview where I did OK, but not spectacular (nervousness you know). Rather than be forthright and tell me the reason for ending the process, they walked me out and said that the hiring manager remembered he had a meeting that day. Such rudeness is unforgivable, especially from a professional HR office. All I can say is "Karma". What comes around, goes around.

Now in closing -- here are the signs you don't want to see: a yawn, a checking of the clock. You don't want to hear, "We have many other applicants to talk to". Also, if you haven't broken through the veneer of platitudes and superficial pleasantries, you probably also haven't secured the job. It's not enough that nothing goes wrong -- something needs to go right. Basic chemistry 101 is at work. If they like your face, your voice and your personal demeanor it will obviously work to an advantage. Some of these factors are out of your hands -- God made your face and it's not readily redoable, Joan Rivers and Cher notwithstanding. So for future interviews you need to study, research, prep and pray. Interviews combine luck and pluck in the most interesting ways; if you do it right, you might even escape from "Interview Hell".