Beyond the Planet of the Apes

Now entering the Forbidden Zone - Picture courtesy of Wikipedia

by blogSpotter
This past week I watched a movie which can only be described as a guilty pleasure – Beneath the Planet of the Apes. It’s the 1970 sequel to 1968’s seminal, highly acclaimed Planet of the Apes, based on Pierre Boulle’s 1963 novel. The original movie was well-structured and conveyed some important messages about human arrogance and technology run amok. You might think it should be left alone, intact with its Academy award for ape costumes and all its thought provoking monkey business.

In fact, Apes spawned a business, media empire – 4 sequels, a comic book, a TV show and (very recently) a prequel “reboot” called Rise of the Planet of the Apes. This is a healthy franchise that will live forever; it rivals Star Wars in its staying power. Who knew that such a role reversal would have such a hold on us? There have been various spins placed on Apes … some liken the simian masters to the primal essence of humans (maybe a devolving of humans back into apehood?). In some ways this would hark back to King Kong of the 1930’s, where Kong was symbolic of a masculine, human id. Others have perceived a racist bent in Apes – maybe apes were used as a substitute for a race or nationality. I never really saw that angle myself.

Whatever the case may be, the first sequel, Beneath, is laughable. It involves the discovery of a race of subterranean, mutant humans. They inhabit the ancient Queensboro subway station and worship an undetonated nuclear warhead as God. I won’t give away what happens (does it matter?) but the chief impression I carry away is that the movie’s budget had to be in the thousands, not millions. The special effects are comically crude – fire that looks like orange cellophane and lightening that looks like something a kid might scrawl with a white crayon. Aspects of the movie remind me of Ed Wood’s Plan 9 from Outer Space. The mutants look like current day Teletubbies and the actors are robbed of all dignity – how many careers must this movie have squelched?

I think that if you must go from the sublime to the ridiculous, you could do better than this. Much in the tradition of Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, we should have Beyond the Planet of the Apes. In this sequel, a 3rd space ship lands in the Forbidden Zone. Astronaut Scott Smith strays into ape territory; he’s captured and brought in for observation by Zira the zoologist chimp. But Scott sees something in Zira’s eyes – a soul connection that transcends species. Zira feels the same. Scott and Zira escape (and elope) but not without enraging PETA and the Ape equivalent of Moral Majority. Because of their bestial love, they must run to the Forbidden Zone (double entendre is unavoidable). They stumble into the old subway station at Rockefeller Center. Here they discover a race of ape-humans who are very accepting of alternative lifestyles and who embrace the performing arts. At this point … the author is momentarily out of ideas – he needs a Starbucks refill.

The reader may email me with ideas of how to finish it, or give me guidance in the comment section of this blog. I feel that my Beyond version has as much validity as Beneath. Furthermore, the special effects would be minimal. It could be done for pennies and maybe be up for some musical awards. Will wrap this up by saying I have utmost respect for the original novel and its premise. I’m all the more thankful that we have these fertile imaginations – to take cinematic gold and turn it into unintended comedy gold.

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