Disturbed Genius

Book cover featuring Waters and his star, Divine

When I was a freshman at UT Austin, we would go to midnight movies at the Dobie Cinema on Guadalupe Street. We saw many classics: "Groove Tube", "The Cheerleaders", "Rocky Horror" and soft-core pieces like "Blow Dry" and "The Joys of Emmanuelle". Most of these movies had something slightly weird or salacious to recommend them as midnight viewings. But the movie that made me laugh 'til I cried was John Water's "Female Trouble". It is the story of Dawn Davenport, a troubled teenager that runs away from home and becomes a fashion model. What makes the movie delightfully surreal are the portrayals of teachers, parents and authority figures. To be sure, Dawn is out of control, but so is everyone else in this crazed vision of our world. Adults come across as whiny, pedantic nerds, reciting tired platitudes. Played by the hefty transvestite Divine, Dawn is furious when she doesn't get her cha-cha heels for Christmas. She knocks the tree over on her parents and smashes all the presents. Then, she runs away from home. The movie basically runs a steamroller over cherished ideals, like so much rough asphalt.

Next, I watched "Pink Flamingos" which is about a contest to be the filthiest people alive. I laughed until the final scene, which showed a disgusting bit of coprophagy which, in my opinion, should have been left out or simulated. The movie was billed as a "gross out movie for a gross out society" and that it certainly was. I never realized how tenuous is the meaning of the word "normal". In our normal lives, grass is green and the sky is blue. Likewise with people, parents are knowledgeable and loving, and teachers are fair. But John Waters gives it a different spin altogether. His adults are frequently ruled by childish impulses and selfish motives. The outcome is behavior too lunatic to even be described as drunken or manic. It's in a category by itself. For those of us who've experienced family dysfunction due to alcohol or other things, John Waters' characters look strangely familiar. We laugh and laugh -- and then we cry.

By the 1980's, John Waters had crossed over to mainstream acceptance. He did relatively tame fare like "Polyester", "Cry Baby," "Serial Mom" and "Hair Spray" which still had his trademark eccentricity but nothing to cause the Vice Squad to be placed on standby. "Hair Spray" has even been spun off into a long-running Broadway musical. Divine passed away unexpectedly on the set of "Married with Children" back in the early 90’s probably due to weight-related health problems. You might say that the party is over, or you might just swing by a video store and see what they have under “cult”, “comedy” or “tasteless”. Be prepared to be shocked, disgusted and then – have pieces of the inappropriate dialog lodge in your brain, where you want to retrieve them when shocking someone is important. For some of us less fortunate, John Waters has portrayed something all too real. For everyone else, have a “Divine” time watching these movies. Craig, if you’re reading this – stay away from “Pink Flamingos”. 

The Three Beer Advantage

I barely have a buzz

My college instructor in Organizational Behavior would give me a C- for sexism, but this observation I have to share. In making this gender-based distinction, I'll predicate it on the fact it's also not a strict association -- there are exceptions to the rule. What I notice is that men have such an exuberance, such joi de vivre and self-confidence, it is a level of mental high that women can only achieve after drinking 3 beers. I call it the "three beer advantage". For men, it is such a high forward gear, you might even say it's sometimes irrational (like somebody being drunk on beer).

Men are more likely to:
- Take on bold new projects
- Take thrill-seeking risks
- Gamble, spend large amounts of money on something speculative
- Over-estimate their abilities at anything be it kick boxing, driving fast or talking a business deal
- Break thru legal and social barriers to find a way to proceed with something fun or exciting

Women are more likely to be cautious, reticent, by-the-book, one step at a time. Women are more likely to pose these questions:
- Is it legal?
- Do we have to do it right now?
- Someone will see.
- I don't have a good feeling about this.
- Is it worth it for a 5 minute thrill ride?

In college calculus, I had a dorm pal and my high school's valedictorian, a red-headed girl named Paula, in the same class. We had a test -- Paula had actually marked it wrong on her calendar and hadn't studied for it. My friend Kevin had prepared by playing Spades the night before. Walking out of the exam, Kevin was chortling over how easy it was, he aced it. Paula was sick at her stomach because she hadn't specifically prepared and knew she missed some questions. Paula got back a 92 and Kevin got back a 72. (I, who had studied, only did about a point better than Paula). In another case, two couples were walking to their cars in Uptown after a night out. A robber approached them and demanded their money. One of the men tried to approach the robber, to reason with him -- and was fatally shot.

So, what we have is a glass half empty (girl's point of view) and glass overflowing with frothy beer (man's point of view). Both behavioral extremes have their value in certain situations. You need the moxy to carry thru in a challenge, but not the lack of judgment to be a foolhardy fool. There needs to be hard-nosed realism mixed in equal part with derring-do. Do men have on a permanent pair of rose colored glasses? Perhaps. The great bartender in the sky probably needs to equalize the situation, maybe by cutting men back to two beers. Women on the other hand, need to lighten up -- maybe give them an Amstel Light. We should all be on a natural, realistic high. We don't want to erase the difference between the sexes, but maybe just cut back a little on that 3 beer advantage.

Comparatively Painless Cardio

The Elliptical Machine

I have a new acronym I coined - CPC. It's "Comparatively Painless Cardio". It pertains to my exercise routine, and the idea came about this way:

When I joined the Texan's Gym (benefit of employment at Texas Instruments back in 1995), I would run 1/2 mile and walk 1/2 mile. To ordinary people, and people who run any distances, one mile is absolutely nothing. But for me, my lungs would feel like they were going to explode and death was around the corner. Though I did several other things in my workout (eg, lifting weights) that were tolerable and beneficial, I had it fixed in my mind that the workout was worthless unless I did the mile as my cardio routine. Would dread the workout because of this, and my workouts shrank to a paltry few minutes, fewer and fewer times during the week. Finally I quit altogether after 6 months while continuing to pay the membership fee.

I joined 24 Hour Fitness this year and history was about to repeat itself. Thought that for weight loss and cardio, you had to do some work on the treadmill - jogging in place. Using "no pain, no gain" as my mantra I was making 10 minutes on the treadmill a necessary activity. My joints were achy and my lungs once again felt like they would explode. My workouts were inching downward, because I dreaded the "necessary" work. Only by being nosy, and looking at the calorie count on someone else's elliptical machine (next to my treadmill machine), did I notice that you can burn a lot of calories and not cause destruction to joints, ankles or lungs.

The elliptical machine is a family of exercise machines that give you cardio benefit without your feet and legs bearing the brunt of your whole body landing with each step. For whatever reason, the lungs are also much more forgiving - but in 15 minutes you can still kill off 210 calories. Bottom line here is that my routine is good even if I did no cardio - it's certainly better than no exercise at all. If an activity is making you dread your workout -- kill it dead. Shoot it between the eyes. You can bring it back far in the future if you have built up the endurance, but don't quit over something like that. I do many other routines that are "comparatively painless" and they make the time worthwhile.

This also works for food incidentally -- I went on a Slimfast diet 5 years ago. Everyday for lunch, I'd have a Slimfast drink (vanilla or chocolate) as a meal replacement. When I looked at the people around me having salad, ravioli, French fries and what not, I felt like a part of me had died. Food is a sensory, touch and smell, cultural experience. It's far more than nutrition in your stomach. Take away the "je ne sais quoi" of eating, and you're left with an ultimate empty -- empty of joy along with calories. I'm now on what I call a "modified" Atkins diet -- lots of meat and green vegetables. But I haven't banished any of my first loves (carbs) I just have fewer. And I haven't introduced anything I dislike (tofu, sprouts). Your diet and workout should be a pleasure, not a punishment. If you finetune them enough, you can do what you need, enjoy it, and voila -- it's "comparatively painless". Somewhere on the continuum between fat couch potato, and obsessive gym-bunny robot, you can be just a healthy person.

Lemon Tree

When life gives you lemons ...

When I was in the 6th grade, my parents bought a new '69 Chevy Impala - frost green, 4-door hard top with a white vinyl roof. I was thrilled because it was nice and new; it replaced a 1965 Belvedere that had been in an accident, and was unattractive anyhow. I pretty shortly noticed when the new Chevy idled at intersections that the steering wheel would vibrate up and down -- thought nothing of it. The car was pretty well spent after 5 years -- thought nothing of that either.

The Impala was replaced with a new, 1974 Buick LeSabre and I had a more critical eye as a high school junior. The car was new, but had an off-color fender. Carpet was carelessly glued to the bottom of each interior door panel; the wood on the dash board wasn't even fake wood -- it was carelessly applied wood colored contact paper. On the whole car, it was hard to find anything flush or correctly aligned where it needed to be. My brother and I looked at the new 1976 mid-size Buicks when they came out. It was remarkable that almost every car had visible paint defects (runs, rivulets, rough patches) and even the pin striping was crooked. The problems cited here are cosmetic in nature -- but how does that bode for the car's ultimate reliability? The mid-70's was probably the low point for American auto quality.

By the 1980's, the scene had evolved. Detroit was getting its butt kicked by Japanese imports. Ford advertised "Quality is Job 1". Chrysler gave us the 7 year/70K warranty and announced, "The pride is back.". Patriot that I was back then, I purchased a new, 1989 Cougar LS. Here is a short list of atypical repairs encountered:

· Recall for caliper/brake problem one month after purchase
· Keyless entry quit working one year after purchase
· Stereo station search feature quit working @ 1 year
· AC quit working @ 3 years; had to get new compressor for $900
· Electronic dash panel burned out - twice
· Voltage regulator out after 4 years
· Engine oil leaks, resulting in damaged (burned) engine parts @ 5 years
· Exterior molding falling off @ 5 years

Had intended to keep the car for 7 years, but it was such a problem I had to unload it at 5 years. The engine leaks created an untenable situation. I did all the routine maintenance lovingly and naively -- made no difference. Must make a couple of observations here, with Chrysler & GM also in mind. The fact that a defect is covered by warranty is only a little comfort. There are 100 demerits for making a customer take off part of a workday to bring the car to a service department, and ride in a courtesy van -- 100 demerits at least. And what of the many times when the problem isn't fixed after all your trouble? Or not covered by warranty? I'd venture at least 1000 demerits for that.

The USA is known as a bold innovator -- home to many inventors and patents. We put a man on the moon, we developed the Polio vaccine and we created PC's. But for reasons as yet unknown, we can't make a car that doesn't become a leaky, wheezing rattletrap at 3-5 years. One can't help but think: If someone thought it was really important, they could make a quality domestic car. American consumers do notice these things and attitudes evolve. Toyota is about to become the number 3 seller in the US; all the big Japanese carmakers are gaining ground. And still, Saturn has had a recent recall for melting brake lamps. Maybe cars will go the same path as televisions (made almost entirely in Asia now) -- maybe the USA is not meant to be a foundry or factory place. But Honda and Toyota have factories in the US, subject to the same laws and union rules as factories owned by domestic companies. They still make good cars. Why is there still a quality gap?

Maybe Napoleon was right. He said, "There are no bad soldiers, only bad generals". When a military campaign fails, look not to how a particular soldier performed his duties, but how he was directed by his commanding officers. Maybe what American capitalism needs is a shakeup. Maybe -- the General could use a new general. It’s a matter of debate as far as what needs to change in our management styles – but something is wrong, and the proof is in the AC compressors that die after 3 years.